MESG: Jill M. Derr on Eliza R. Snow

After recovering from my horrendous night, I dragged myself out of bed, showered, and headed back to Irvine for the Miller-Eccles lecture. Generally I try to go to the one in Los Angeles, but plans tomorrow night (and a great desire to hear about Snow) enticed me south for the second time this week.

Dined with some of the group at Mimi's Cafe ahead of time. Got to meet Professor Derr and her husband. Also there were ArM, RuM, Mr. Critical Thinking, Poetess, Madwoman, Economan, VR and wife, JB and wife, and a few others who I'm not acquainted with. Talked a bit about our respective careers, but what I seem to remember most was the conversation about feminism and mormonism.

Carpooled out to the lecture location out in Anaheim. Drove with VR and Co in his Prius hybrid. I like it, a lot. And if I'd have had the funds to buy one earlier this year, I would have. Sooner or later, we will have to wean ourselves off of oil/gasoline consumption and work towards more sustainable means. Of course it will be painful, and politically and financially charged. But it must happen.

Greatly enjoyed Professor Derr's talk. Eliza R. Snow. Secretary in Emma Smith's Relief Society Presidency. Plural wife of first Joseph Smith then Brigham Young. Never had children. Strong advocate for women's rights AND polygamy. Poetess ... she penned the lyrics of the hymn "O, My Father," which contains one of the few references to Heavenly Mother still evident in the LDS sphere. Crossed the plains. The second Relief Society President in the history of the church. Brigham Young's right-hand person. The part that fascinated me the most was the discussion of female venues of power within the early church, and how she ended up taking the Smith name.

Apparently Snow enjoyed a fair amount of influence as one of BY's wives, and as RS president. She had an active hand in fashioning the lives of the saints, especially the women and children, in the Salt Lake Valley. However, when the general presidencies of the auxiliaries were set up, it seems as if defining the authority therein had a paradoxical limiting effect. Yes, she was defined as the top woman, but with a more limited scope of influence. Also interesting that she took the name Smith after BY died. Maybe because the BY marriage was not consummated, but one of powerful convenience? Maybe because she always thought of JS as her one (ironically) true love? Maybe as a bid for power as her influence diminished after BY died?

After the lecture ended, VR and Co were anxious to leave, and I was not opposed. It got me out to Atomic Ballroom that much quicker, for some long awaited dancing. Atomic is okay. Not fantastic like LG, but okay. Met and danced a bit with Slim Jim. Saw Buddy Schwimmer (self-proclaimed?) King of Swing out, but did not see him dancing. Danced with a couple new faces. If I were ever in Irvine on a Friday night, I'd go again.

Twenty hours

Woke up this morning prepared for a good day. The plan was to put in 12 hours at work, then head up to Lindy Groove for some much missed dancing. And then it all went wrong.

At work, found that I was given the most difficult assignment. I've learned to handle this type of news with equanimity. The tough assignments all rather go around (except to a few to whom they do NOT got to), and I rather feel like it's a good vote of confidence from whomever was in charge the night before. And honestly, it's generally better than being in charge myself, so why waste time complaining? Toddler with (questionable familial) cardiomyopathy with an as yet undiagnosed metabolic disorder; intubated (of course); on a couple pressors, an insulin drip and sedatives; poor perfusion; dropping H/H/platelets; and acidotic. My morning was thrashed. Gave blood products. Ensured she was adequately sedated. Checked blood glucoses every hour and titrated insulin drip. Arterial blood gases as needed, and with vent changes. Administering paralytic meds (and concommittant additional sedation and analgesia) to manage her respiratory status. Titrated lasix drip. Started and titrated nipride drip to increase peripheral circulation. Also some pysch/soc issues that are better left undiscussed. I think every single molecule of Degree I had applied that morning had vanished by 1000.

Somewhere in the afternoon, things got better. A lot better. ABG's were looking really good. ABP's were still a little low, but given her cardiac status, were acceptable. Her perfusion was dramatically improved thanks to the nipride. Her In's and Out's were even, and urine output was sufficient thanks to the lasix. And so it was that when SC came around asking if anyone wanted to do a triple shift, I started considering. I could go dancing tomorrow night down in Irvine, and the Morocco trip is coming up fast, I'd really like to see how this patient does, and the last couple times I volunteered to do a double, they'd found someone to do a triple. Plus, our team was Dr. Metro for attending, and Tan Shaggy for fellow. And as these are the physicians I like working with best (very intelligent, affable, and communicative). So, I agreed to do a triple. And then things got worse.

Potassium on an ABG was low. So I gave a KCl bolus. After the bolus, rechecked it with a routine ABG. And found out that she was very acidotic. Gave sodium bicarb and adjusted the vent. Repeat gases. In the meantime, her extremities started looking flame-red. Yes, she was perfusing very well, but her blood pressure was also starting to be affected more than was comfortable. Ended up stopping the nipride and having to bolus with more saline.

By the time 0300 rolled around, I was shot. Absolutely worked over. Ready to crawl into bed and disappear for a day. Gave report and got out of Dodge. Next time, I'll try to be a little more strategic and stay over when I have a more stable patient!

And, to give credit where credit is due, I must say that all of this was done in close consultation with Dr. Metro, Tan Shaggy, occassionally the resident, Dan-the-Man RT, various consulting physicians, and all the other ancillary staff (lab, blood bank, social work, house keeping) without whom my career would be impossible.

Ch-ch-changes

Worked on my exponent post until it was in fairly reasonable shape. Did NOT immediately post it like I did two weeks ago, and thus did NOT mistakenly post on AmyB’s day.

Drove down to Irvine. Stopped at Trader Joe’s for dinner fixings, and then on the Pilgrim Girl and Nichan’s place. And waited. And waited some more. Sometime around 1730, just after calling into the apartment to make sure they hadn’t slipped in past me, I get a call from PG. Running late, Harry had trouble at the orthodontist’s.

Dinner with Pilgrim Girl and the two kids (Nichan is taking Wed night classes this semester) was on me tonight. Caprese salad (fresh mozzarella, chopped basil, mini red and golden tomatoes, pine nuts, balsamic vinegar and olive oil), garlic bread and mushroom risotto. Not a whole lot of cooking, but oh so tasty. PG also had some garlic spread that we used liberally, which I intend to get some of at ... you guessed it, Trader Joe's.

VR was leading tonight's discussion on the religiosity of college-aged students. Apparently he had been involved in a study that conducted surveys on daily religious involvement of college freshmen around the country. The data he shared with us had two subsets: LDS (at non-church sponsored schools, interestingly enough) and all other students. Questions asked about daily practices, political beliefs, social justice, spirituality, etc. The LDS students seemed much more willing to identify experiences as spiritual, and much less willing to do anything with regards to social justice.

As usual, the discussion was lively and engrossing. And as I looked around the group, I was sudden;y struck at how quickly it is changing. Tall Spaniard already left. Mr. Critical Thinking and Poetess will be leaving in the summer, and who knows about all the rest. Contemplating the changes made me sad. This interlude has been so idyllic ... having this unique space in which to discuss and examine difficult theological (and cultural) principles has been a such a relief and a period of growth in spiritual and intellectual knowledge, that I am very reluctant to have it change at all. And yet, I do hope that it will be sustainable. That as the failiar crowd moves on (hopefully becoming professors around the country and starting their own Outhouse Intellectual groups), new faces will join in and enliven the discussion even further. I can think of a couple of new people that I'm very interested to get acquainted with. So, change is in the air. We shall see what it brings.

Recovery

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. I feel (and hobble around) like a very old woman. My body is so incredibly sore. Attended the preceptor committee meeting at work, then off for a sports massage. It was good, although I think I may have yelped a time or two when the masseuese was working on my calves. Anyway, now that all the camping stuff has been cleaned, aired and put away, I only have to wait for the soreness to dissipate, while I languish in vaporous clouds of menthol.

Havasuapi: Getting on Out

After a intermittently sleepless night, I finally managed to get to sleep. Only to awakened by JLITH's alarm at 0500, then my own at 0600. Havasuapi must have been sad to lose us, because she was weeping ... rain pelting down on our tents. Scout ended up joining Portnenia and Highland Hiker. Finally, I got up and dressed and started packing, eventhough the rain was still going ... there was no way that I was going to miss getting my backpack on the muletrain and having to carry it out! Stuffing the wet tent back into the bag and pack was not ideal, but it had to be done. We did finish and managed to get up to the paddock a little after the appointed time. Lucky thing, as the Indian mule train driver was rather on time. In the end, he got all of our packs (JLITH had consolidated her pared down pack with the rest of our stuff) onto one mule. Hallelujah!

Rain continued to spit, and the prospect of sticking around until the afternoon was ever less appealing. In the end, we left the camp around 0930. We passed by Zlot's campsite on the way out, but there was no sigh of life, eventhough he'd said that he would pack out at 0700.

Stopped over at Najavo Falls for a bit. I was rather disinclined to take off my hiking boots and get wet, so I relaxed a bit at the bottom, then moved to the top of the trail to bask in the sun. Meanwhile, Scout, Portenia and Highland Hiker scampered in and out of the bridal veil-ish falls.

As we were getting ready to make for the village, who should join us at this juncture, but Zlot! What timing. Unfortunately, he was carrying his entire pack, as the helicopters were supposedly not running on Saturday. The hike to the village was slow. Not difficult,just slow. JLITH and I took the rear, and soon the others were out of sight. I took JLITH to task for moving so slowly that even I was restless. Apparently she had a pulled muscle in her leg, but stiffened her upper lip and soon we caught up with the others.

Breakfast at the village cafe. What we all really wanted was lunch, but it was too early. Anyway, almost anything was better than the short rations we'd been on the past few days, and we dug into our breakfast burritos with relish. The patio was nice and cool. It afforded us a nice view of the towering red rock, farms, and busy helicopter landing field. No flights on Saturday? Lies, all lies. JLITH gazed longingly at each helicopter as it left. After the second one, I told her that she'd better do something about it next time. Accordingly, when the next helicopter arrived, I saw her approach it. As the propeller was still beating, I was not surprised when she boarded it ... to talk to the pilot, no doubt. All of a sudden she was waving, and the copter was lifting up. I was so astonished, and the laughter just bubbled out uncontrollably.

The hike out was long and hot. Except when it was not. Scout was often times far infront. He's so fit that even when he's just sauntering, he moves much faster than the rest of us. Highland Hiker, Zlot and I brought up the rear. Now that we were past all the water fun, HH was dealing with her too small boots again. Zlot was carrying his full pack. And me? My only excuse is that I was slow, and very sore. Stopped for a minute at the tadpole pool. I pointed it out, and got enough ooh's and aah's to ennable me to catch a brief respite. Zlot also shared some of his liquid gold ... ie: Gatorade!

Passed by this intriguing rock display. The "mounting" is a huge boulder, maybe 12 feet high, with numerous, shallow "mini-caves" into which passing hikers have placed pebbles. The result is a Museum of Rock, which vaguely resembles a thimble or spoon collection that one would expect to see in a senior citizen's home.

It did end up raining on us. Quite decidedly so, to the tune of everyone else getting out raingear to put over their backpacks small or large. Me? I took off my outer shirt and gloried in the shade and coolness. The showers didn't last for long, but they cooled us off, and made the dust more complacent. We had a few more showers, which was rather disconcerting, as the sun was shining when it occurred, but the rest of the way was mostly dry.

At one rest spot ... and everyone was resting, except for Scout, who was leagues ahead ... Zlot said that we should alter the hiking line-up. He suggested that the slowest person (me, of course) should be the frontrunner, setting the pace so that one could carry on a conversation, and not get too winded. Also said that it would be best so that no one would go into anaerobic metabolism. I didn't like the idea of slowing everyone else down, but since I knew that HH was moving a little slower beause of her feet, and that Zlot was dealing with carrying a full pack, I acquiesced. And so we continued with me in the lead, until we reached the base of the ascending portion.

We all took a long break at the base. We drank and ate up. Portenia, instead of giving me a bite of her Cliff Protein Bar, gave me the whole thing. It was good ... tasty, without the mealiness of your run of the mill protein bar, and less carbs.





On the long trek up, Scout soon outdistanced us. Portenia soon followed suit. However, I was kept in good company with HH and Zlot. We took our time. Zlot even gently urged us forward with the promise of a series of benches, "just around the corner." After another brief respite, we continued climbing up the awful switchbacks. We spotted JLITH waving from the top, and then soon saw Scout coming down the mountain. He offered sips of gatorade, and to carry stuff. I, being the weak one, happily took him up on the offer. about two switchbacks down, JLITH also joined our group, with cool gatorades for each of us! Good girl. We all made it to the top in short order, and started getting ready to drive back to civilization. Goodbyes were said to Zlot, and the rest of us headed out to Kingman for the all the comforts that In-N-Out could provide ... food, drink, flush toilets and running water to clean up in! The drive was long, but much better made in daylight than in the dark.

When we finally arrived in Kingman, it was almost dark. I opened my car door, swung out my legs, and realized afresh how painful is was to move. We all hobbled into the joint and made a beeline for the restroom. Fifteen minutes later, freshened up and coated with Portenia's menthol gel, I emerged to gain my just reward. And at about 0130 in the morning, I reached home. Showered. And fell into the creature comfort of my own bed. Heaven.

Havasupai: Mooney/Beaver Falls and a new friend

Sore. Very sore. The thing is, my bed at home is so supremely comfortable, that anything else … the bed at JLITH’s, hotel rooms, and most certainly a meager camping mat and sleeping bag on hard earth … is a definite step down.

We breakfasted on Cliff Bars, then headed out for Mooney and Beaver Falls. Mooney Falls is my favorite part of Havasupai. Descending through the cavern and steep areas is a little scary and very exhilarating. Plus, the views of the water and falls are so majestic, the pool at the bottom like a shimmering piece of turquoise petrified wood.




At the bottom, we decided to plug on to Beaver Falls, and enjoy the sights on our way back. On the way, we ran into Zlot (not his real name, of course, but how I mispronounced it the first time). He was hiking around, getting lost by the myriad fake trail offshoots. He joined in the caravan, much to our delight.

Finally, after traversing the endless wild grapevine section (for which I’d advised everyone to wear longer pants, remembering the lashing my legs took the year before), we arrived at the rope climb. JLITH quickly scrambled up, and Portenia also made it up. Then Zlot. I confess that I balked. After having lost a watch and a camera, plus taking a battering plunge at this site last year, I was not overly eager to sacrifice any more to the Supai totems. I’d already decided that taking it easy at the lagoon would be sufficiently relaxing and entertaining while I waited for the group to return. However, Scout was very convincing, and coaxed me (with the help of his strong shoulder) up the rope climb, and suddenly there I was at the top! Highland Hiker came quickly up next, and Scout brought up the rear.

The trail from this point on was very hot and dry. The vegetation is scrubby, and there’s very little shade. Lots of scrambling made the way interesting. It was such a relief to reach Beaver Falls, even though the climb down was a little hairy. Beaver Falls is actually quite beautiful, which I hadn’t appreciated last year, since we’d taken a different approach, and stayed much higher. It looks like a series of azure pools that a clan of beavers might have made to retain all the family close by. We refreshed ourselves in the pool for a while, and then it was time to return. Zlot, who had been conversing with Portenia, was to return with us. Fortuitous when a lone hiker finds congenial company. I know I felt so much relief hiking the Narrows back with the boy scouts. Comforting to know that someone is available to go on ahead for help in case of an injury.

As we scrambled up the rocky and sandy cliff to regain the trail, I managed to do what I’d avoided so far … scrape myself. No pretty legs for me for a while. I just hope it doesn’t scar as badly as the one from last year, which scar had just faded after my infamous peeling-like-an-onion incident.


Retraversing the grapevines, I was sucker-punched by an errant trekking pole. There I was, hurrying along. In my mind I vaguely remembered the few vine-camouflaged potholes that hid by the side of the trail. All of a sudden, I stepped through one and down I went. I saw the cork end of my trekking pole heading for my right eye, but was powerless to stop it. Pow. Ouch. I might have said an unladylike word or two. I was concerned to say the least. After JLITH and Zlot reassured me that there was no bleeding in the ocular orbit or gross abnormality, I turned my attention to my vision. Of course my eye was watering like I had just watched Love Story again, but was worried me more was the blurred circular area of vision. I assume it was my prosthetic lens, a little budged out of place. Zlot took a good look, said that I had a small abrasion to the lower eyelid, and a bit of a hematoma above, but that he had betadine to clean, and triple antibiotics to salve my wound.

After a couple minutes, as the vision was quickly normalizing, I pronounced myself fit to continue. We plugged on until we reached the rope swing. Scout and Zlot had the time of their lives, and even JLITH and HH joined in the fun. Stopped also at the base of Mooney for a photo op. Then the long climb up … 200 feet. Very tired and thirsty at this point, as water had run out before descending the rope climb. Near the top of Mooney, we took a break. My last push ended at the spring, where I refilled my water, drank deeply, then refilled. Zlot kindly asked me where our camp was, so that he could dress my injury.




Zlot came back to our camp shortly after. Apparently he’d left the betadine in another pack, but came to us prepared with the rest of his supplies. I wisely refrained from stating that I also had some stuff, and let him take care of my eye. Sometimes it’s very nice not to have to be the caregiver all the time, and I wanted him to stay and chat. It got a little later, and Zlot excused himself for dinner. Like a dolt, I didn’t reflect much on it.

I took a quick wash In the river, and changed into the comfort of my PJ’s. Scout started boiling water for dinner. And then we all realized that Zlot would be eating alone, and thumped our heads at not having invited him to eat with us. I walked up to his campsite to invite him. I found it easily enough, bright yellow tent and large tree felled over the picnic table, but Zlot was nowhere to be found. I waited a couple minutes just in case he had gone to the restroom, and fretted that I had nothing to leave a note with. Scout happened past, and scratched a note in the dust. We tried to stake a twig in front of it, but the ground was too hard, so we ended up leaving a couple twigs crossed right in front of it.

Back at out campsite, Scout continued to boil water for all of our meals, and I tried out the hammock, which was a vast deal more comfortable than my air mattress. High approval ratings on the hammock. I would even contemplate getting one myself, it if wasn’t for the exposed-to-insects factor.

Since JLITH was so opposed to the beef enchilada of the night before, Scout let us use the lasagne that a roommate had left before moving out. It was okay. Not great, but better than the beef enchilada, and pretty decent when it came to dehydrated food. As we were finishing our meals, I wondered if Zlot had gone to Havasupai or Navajo Falls? Then Portenia said that she’d seen him on her way back from cleaning up at Havasuapi Falls. She’d done the gracious thing that we’d all forgotten to do (ie: invite him to dinner), but that he’d declined since we hadn’t said anything earlier. Immediate remorse. So I walked up to his campsite to invite him to share some conversation and dessert (JLITH’s snickers bars). I found him finishing up his own dinner. We both laughed ruefully as I showed him our dust-note, which he’d not noticed. And so I brought our Hungarian friend back and we all ended the night with talk of politics, President Bush, and science fiction, with the full moon benevolently looking on.

At some point we did all go to sleep. And at many points I tossed and turned and tried to sleep some more. I woke up around 0200. Tossed fitfully for 45 minutes before I finally caved and got out my travel notebook and started jotting down notes from the last few days. Also dressed my leg scrape and took more advil. And I successfully resumed my bid for sleep.

Havasuapi: Hiking In

Woke up early. To an unpleasant sound. No, not the mosquito, although the four bites on Highland Hiker's leg witnessed his continued activity. No, it was the sound of rain on the roof of my car. Not generally an unpleasant sound, but very grating to my ears as I contemplated a wet trek and camp down in Supai. I fell asleep again, swatting at Mr. Squeeter, hoping the heavy rain would let up.

Finally around 0900, the rain seemed to be light enough that hiking wouldn't be absolutely miserable. Got out of the car, and Lo And Behold! Scout, Portenia (so named because she's from Buenos Aires) and JLITH (an old ATP joker name) were a couple cars down, getting their packs ready. Some quick introductions, and we tried to hurry our way down. HH was a little slow on the upswing, but I should have been so careful.


My pack was heavy. Tent, sleeping bag, mat, mess kit, camel back, camera and case, and a whole lot of other things made it feel lik dead weight on my hips and shoulders. Even before we started descending into the canyon, I was glad that we'd all decided to let the mules carry out packs out. HH and I definitely brought up the rear. I'd like to blame it on my heavy pack, but it's really no excuse. I was the D student of the class. However, it was between being a D student of the Fit group, or the A student of an Unfit group that actually didn't go to places like these. Maybe I should hang out with really unfit people to appear more fit? HH had a legitimate excuse ... too small (and new) hiking boots. We (or at least I) watched enviously as JLITH, Scout and Portenia skipped along the path.

Eight miles later, we reached the convenience store, where snacks and gatorade were purchased from one of the friendly locals. HH bought some water socks, and I was about to buy some Gatorade when I came to the horrible realization that in my haste to leave the top, I had indeed left my baggie of money (and the adjacent one with toilet paper) in the car ... a dismal 8 miles away. I was about to sorrowfully replace the cold (and vibrant red) Gatorade, when JLITH volunteered some of her funds.


Thankfully, Scout was also well prepared in the monetary way, and covered HH and I for the fees ... $57 to camp for two nights, and a jointly-rented mule to pack our things out. After relaxing on the grass, while pretending to play with the friendly cat and dog who sought our caressing hands, we made a quick stop at the cafe, then trudged the remaining 2.2 miles to the campsite. Again, HH and I dawdled. And again, we justified the break with a mini-spate of picture taking.

We caught up with JLITH near the top of Havasu Falls. The water is just so blue. The only thing I've ever seen like it were the waters of the Rio Celeste in Costa Rica. In Havasupai, the waer owes its beauty to lime deposits. The sign says that it’s travertine, which is the same stuff that the Coloseum and the Getty Museum are made of.


After a “break for mini-spate-ing,” we started down the path again. Before we got too far, Scout came bounding up, and offered to take my pack the rest of the way, as he and Portenia had already found a pack and started setting up. Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I quickly took him up on his offer. I also might have wanted to slug him when he laughed at how light my pack felt, but restrained myself somewhat admirably. Eventually, we set up camp, and trooped back to Havasu Falls to refresh and clean outselves.


We were in the water by 1615. And yes, it was cold. However, the desire to smell not as bad as we actually did got Portenia and I into the act of lathering up with some of Scout’s biodegradable soap, and plunging into the beautiful water. After a while I got too chilled, but Scout and JLITH made it over to behind the waterfall and took this marvelous photo.

When we finally made it back to the camp, we were all a little chilled. JLITH and DW worked a bit on HH’s camp stove, but the untamable flame (or maybe it was the leaking pipe) became too scary, and we all ended up using Scout’s superiorly designed and simple stove to boil the water for our dehydrated meals. My deal with JLITH was that I would buy the food (and the tent) if she would carry it down (as I would the tent). Imagine my delight when I found a whole line of dehydrated meals on sale for 30% off at REI. We only ended up eating one of the three I brought down. But I don’t think JLITH gave the chicken enchilada and the spicy Thai chicken much of a chance after the beef enchilada. It wasn’t really that bad. Really.

At this point, I think it advisable to mention the animals were are not our friends. This includes all sundry squirrels with giant teeth (THIS BIG, as JLITH would say, that can cut through a backpack strap in alarmingly fast time), scurrying little cute mice who nonetheless are probably carrying diseases, and bats that flit about in the most alarming way. However, of the three, I must say that my most cordial feelings were to the bats, in the hope that they would make the mosquitoes in the area DIE!

Early to bed, since we were all tired. Portenia in Scout’s tent. Scout in his hammock. HH, JLITH and I in my tent. We were all snug as a bug in a rug when it started spitting rain. Groans all around. However, as I tossed and turned for most of the night, I am in a firm position to be able to say that it did not rain hard or long.

Havasuapi: Getting to the Hilltop

We got a late start out of LA. Which was very unfortunate, given the awful traffic that plagued us until we were well past Pomona. And what do two girlish women (or women-ish girls) talk about when they have hours upon hours of road ahead of them? Well, I’ll leave that to your imagination. I vastly enjoy road trips with congenial company. Maybe it’s the camaraderie, the air of excitement, or maybe just the captive audience … because honestly, where can she run to?

When the sun had cast its last fiery farewells to the moon, thick darkness fell all around. That is, until it was shorn to tatters by the brilliant and jagged lightening rods that Zeus threw down from his heaven to light the way. Lightening storms followed us all the way to Hualapai Hilltop. No rain or thunder, just brief seconds wherein portions of sky tried to trick us into believing it was the middle of a sunny day. Eerie, and yet not. I actually really dislike driving long distances in unlighted areas, and at least the lightening illuminated the sky to the point that I knew that vast mountain ranges were not closing in on me, as they seemed to do driving down to Arches from SLC.

We stopped outside of Barstow for gas. It was selling for an outrageous $3.24/gallon … absolutely ridiculous given that gas in LA was selling for $2.97 that same day. At least we know now where not to stop on the return trip.

We stopped again in Seligman, where the gas was a much more accommodating $2.79. Quick stop over at a Dairy Queen for dinner. Had to order the onion rings to further my search for the best onion rings in the nation. The DQ version stood up pretty well … sliced a good thickness (not too wide or thin), fried up extra crispy, and eaten hot. The cafeteria at my work also does a pretty good job, although I hate it when the rings stick together in the oil, making for some soggy rings. However, the best onion rings have to be the ones at the Greek place in Westwood Village. The name escapes me just now, but it’s a fantastic place for lunch, and I think I will start taking friends there.

Got to Highway 18, and I ran out of steam about 40 miles in. At which point Highland Hiker kindly offered to take over the wheel. How thankful was I!

When we finally arrived, we tried to get comfortable for a final night’s sleep on upholstered surfaces. I was almost out, when I heard the distinctive high-pitch whine of one of my most hated enemies … a mosquito! Just the thought of it flying around in my car, was enough to keep me “awaker than a guilty conscience.” HH tried to lure it with her headlamp and smash it with her hands of death, but to no avail. In vain I chanted, “Die! Die! Die!” but the little bugger eluded us with much skill.

The teachings of (bizarre) men, mingled with scripture

Argh! I was just adding some fun youtube links on to the end of a fascinating post about the freakish conference White Boy and I attended down in San Diego, when it got killed by a misguided key stroke! I really don't have the energy to rewrite it, so you'll have to ask me or WB about it sometime. One hint: the speaker talked about this for the hour after sacrament meeting. You tell me if you think saying "dolphin" through the water, then freezing it, made the crystal so pretty.

Now, to get back to the really important stuff. Youtube clips to amuse and delight:
OkGo-Here It Goes Again
Kevin and Carla at Barswingona
Love Me or Leave Me
Doug and Emily
West Coast Swing and Lindy
Hop, Swing and A Jump: Traffic Jam
Swiss Drum Corp

The good, the bad, and the funny ...

The Good
Dancing ... three nights in a row. Lindy Groove Thursday. Fabulous night. White Stretch J even asked me to dance. Friday at Paseo Colorado. Live music, professional dance floor, white lights and twinkling stars overhead, and plenty of people to dance with. A fantastic venue, and I'm so sad that this was the last one this summer. PBDA on Saturday. Jumpin Joz on the bandstand, lots of dances, and some old familiar faces: Shane (all cleaned up) and Carmen (oh those fabulous Suzy Q nights).

Hiking the Corral Canyon Trail, then having lunch at Malibu Seafood. The refreshing breeze, bright sun, and sparkling ocean were just the ticket to start getting ready for Havasupai.

Dinner with Wry-an on Saturday night. Who knew he liked sushi? There are some people I like in big groups, and some I like in very small groups. Wry belongs in the latter, and it's good to have face time every once in a while.

The Bad
Being in charge on Wed. Awful day at work. So awful that the only thing to do was laugh and plug on with it. Six planned surgeries. Five of which actually came. An unplanned post-op. And an unplanned ED admission. Blessings to DG who bought a package of Hershey kisses to ease the craziness.

Work on Thursday. Started as team leader and hoped for no patient load so that I could go to the presentation on Emma Smith. However, I had to take over a patient at 1730. Then, French MD had to come in and examine because of complications. Funny to hear him use my name several times (a first, although we see each other all the time). In fact, it's rare for me to call the docs by their names unless I especially like or admire them. Actually, since we have so many attendings, fellows and residents, it's rare for me to actually make the effort to remember their names unless they are a resident who has become a fellow, or an attending that I deal with on a regular basis.

The Funny
Mini-hulk introducing me to a friend, and discovering that we both used to attend Ren Faire at Glen Saint Helen, and both love _Ender's Game._

Realizing how lame I can be. After chatting with Jim2 in the cafeteria, then seeing him in the deserted eating area (practically parked right in front of the cash register, all by himself), I just couldn't make myself sit down at the same table and have brunch. Of course I really wanted to. Really. But I just couldn't do it. I contented myself with flashing him a cute (I hope) grin as I walked past, and went upstairs to the lonely nurses' lounge. And if you believe me when I say that I contented myself, I have some beach front property you should look at.

The Sushi Nazi

Being that it was FGITW's birthday today, and being that we were both free, I was finally able to take her out to lunch at Sushi Nozawa. I've been wanting to share this find with her for a while, but could never find a time when she, I and Nozawa were all free. And frankly, Nozawa was the most problematic one.

Sushi Nozawa. Little dive place in Studio City. Only open two hours for lunch, four and a half hours for dinner, and only during the week. Only one sushi chef. Rather pricey. No take-out. And yet, it's the best sashimi I've eaten in the US. So fresh and tasty. My favorite is the chisai maguro (or little tuna): exquisite slices of fish served with scallions and ponzu sauce. Sugoku oishi desuyo!

Anyway, we sat at the bar, which is an experience in and of itself. At the bar, one can only eat Omakase style. Which basically means that you eat whatever Nozawa puts in front of you. The sushi rice is warm (hence the no take-out rule), and the nori (when he uses it) is crisp. And the sashimi ... heavenly.

At the bar, FGITW talked about Allen Say, boys and men, and cabbages and kings. And then she charmed Nozawa with her flawless Japanese, blonde hair, and winning ways. At one point he gestured to a patron behind us and shouted, "No phone! No phone in here!" And then muttered to us about the abominable manners of American people who talk on cell phones. FGITW quietly reached in her purse and put her phone (which she is never without) on vibrate. I wanted to turn around and see the lady with the abominable manners, but was too chicken that he'd bust me for staring.

Anyway, it was a great way to spend the day. Scrumptious sashimi and some good soul talk with my Japanese sister.

Meet the ... uhm ... older sister archetype?

So, Wry-an has been wanting me to meet Georgia Peach. Actually, I'd already met her, and liked her, and been impressed before I ever knew he knew her. But I got the impression that he wanted me to like her more than just as a girl who's excited to learn about swing/blues dancing. So I offered to take them out to dinner. And a couple of weeks later, we finally got our schedules insync enough to get together.

Went to Pizzicotto in Brentwood. My favorite Italian eatery. Il cibo e' tanto delizioso (that sounds about right, although my Italian is so corrupted by the broken Spanish I use at work, that I don't half trust myself). We ate outside, a first. Mixed green salad, risotto di terra (my favorite), grilled salmon with veggies, and pumpkin gnocchi. Meraviglioso!

Lots of talk. The Emma Smith bio I have on my to-read list. Sunstone symposium. Georgia and the southern wave. Travel for fun. Travel for work. GP's clinic work in Africa. Good times.

Anyway, they have my approval. Not that they need it. But I am rooting for them. I want them to be happy.

And really, I would like to see all of my friends happy. It makes me sad when good friends are unhappy, or I see friends doing things that I can't see leading to happiness. But then again, I'm a friend, and not their mom. And I think they will be vastly happy. And really, no one needs my approval. Not even my youngest brother (who is one year younger than Wry-an), although I hope he doesn't ever hook up with THAT GIRL again.

Eeek!

As someone who's being linked to on other blogs in the 'nacle, I should be more descriptive. However, when I found myself linked to on one of Eve's posts over at Zelophelad's Daughters, that was my exact response.

Some other recent posts that have really gotten me thinking ...
Polyandry
Feminism I Can Embrace
LDS Modesty
Rationales for womens' priesthood
“Whores” and Scriptures: Epithets, perceptions of women, and divine texts

The healing

Went to work today. Intended to have one of the fellows look at my toe and prescribe more some antibiotics. However, it was the B-team on today, and I decided that it would be better to go to UCLA ED afterhours and get this thing in the system in case I needed referrals later on. Ended up taking some supplies, into a bathroom and removing the offending and detached toenail off and dressing it with some xeroform to dry it out.

After work, drove home, changed, and went over to UCLA ED. How bad could it be? The first (and last) time I was there was New Year's Eve, and it was pretty deserted. How bad indeed. First, there was no parking in the ED lot. The parking girl said that it would be $8 to park in the other lot, and I was squeezed for cash this week. Tried to park on the street, but that was impossible. After about 20 minutes total, I pulled up to a separate kiosk. The guy told me that the $8 was refundable (!), but that the kiosk closed at 2200. Anyway, in I went. Got registered (coincidentally right after a girl who also had a toe injury that looked to be gettin infected), and hurried to get my parking reimbursed before the deadline.

Back in the waiting room, I parked myself on a chair against a wall and snoozed a little. The Other Toe Girl (hereafter TOTG) and I were called back together, and placed in a large room with curtains that separated each gurney. After the initial assessment by the nurse, TOTG pulled back the curtain, and we compared our undressed wounds. She got off with a pair of crutches, but I won with a prescription for Keflex, which look so pretty with their scarlet capsules.

I actually miss my toenail, but even more I miss all the dancing I was to do in SLC, and the dancing at Paladino's amd LG that I am missing out on now. My one consolation is the hope that I'll be healed enough to go to Havasupai next month.

Real Food and Catan

Wonder Woman decided to cook tonight. Wonderful veggies from the Farmer's Market, fish and pork medallions. Scrumptious. Precious, Superman, TheDot, Ballerina, FGITW, Improv-er, Gadget Boy, Lovely Lady, Perky, Charming, Mr. Baritone and Wry-an stopped by for a little bit, and even Rico and Rica came by for some food and gaming.

The Catanning was rough. In two out of three games, I had a metropolis stolen. Oh, the pain and anguish of it all. Improv-er was the big winner ... I think three games.

And, WW, Precious and Superman are taking me to the touring show of So You Think You Can Dance for an early Christmas present. How fantastic is that?

Then again, maybe driving's not so bad ...

Up at an ungodly hour to fly back to LA. However, also first day in five when I haven’t felt obligated to put on makeup. Hurray!

Don’t know how, but I missed the turnoff for the 80W and drove right past. I mean, aren’t there huge signs everywhere? Anyway, I had to turn off at Redwood and backtrack.

The big news is the new airport security measures. Apparently British Intelligence uncovered an Islamic extremist plot to construct bombs onboard flights with the use of a Casio watch, a battery and some special gel. Thus, the new restrictions state that no liquids of gels are allowed in the boarding areas, or on board. So far, breastmilk and medications like insulin are still allowed.

Interesting, because as I was trying to make my way to check in, I saw three middle-eastern men, with substantial beards and flowing linen robes walking in the other direction. I wondered about them. What brought them to Utah? Did they feel ostracized? Had people been more rude and prejudicial since the plots were discovered, or had it not made a difference? I had almost made up my mind to walk on the other side of the escalator, when I silently denounced myself and passed right by them. Good thing, since the other side of the escalator was barricaded off to block pedestrian traffic.

Of course, the new restrictions made the SLC airport chaotic and crowded, which one wouldn’t expect before 0600. One bad thing about Southwest in SLC is that it is the stepchild of the airport. The check-in counter is on the extreme left, and if one is coming from the parking lot, one has to walk by luggage carousel (of which I have distinctly repulsive memories), and a myriad other ticket counters before one can check in. And then, they have the e-ticket counter on the far left of the Southwest area. As if anyone actually buys regular tickets anymore.

After I was finally checked in (which was rather a killjoy, since I would have been able to carry aboard my bag if not for the liquid/gel prohibitions), had to scurry (since I couldn’t actually run because of my toe, not that I would have run anyway, as I really hate running) to the security line, which stretched back past the luggage carousel (again!). The line actually moved rather fast … I only wasted 30 minutes of my life. Then again, I could have had 6-9 fantastic dances in that time. Oh, the regret.

Did some more scurrying to make it to the boarding gate. Again with the step-childedness of SW … their boarding areas are just about as far away from the security area as one can get while still remaining indoors. I passed an old guy waiting in a go-cart, but my impatience told me that he might drive slower that I was able to scurry.

Finally made it to gate B-17, and was the 3rd to last person to board the plane. And as fortune would have it, a seat was waiting right in the front row, with room in the overhead bin for my laptop case. How unexpectedly serendipitous. Of course, the seat was next to a couple with a toddler on the mom’s lap, making the bulky dad shift his burly arm into my personal space … at first I shifted away, but then it got uncomfortable, so I decided a little arm contact wouldn’t kill me. And when the mom moved the child onto her other arm, the proper distribution of arm space was wonderfully restored.

Now, if only I could have one of the burritos that the captain had so lackadaisically placed on the center divider controls (I even saw the little containers of salsa right next to it), I would be perfectly happy.

Next time, maybe I’ll drive …

Sunstone Day 3

Polygamy, Pornography and Patriarchy: Where We Are, How We Got Here, And What Is Ahead
Jennifer Jones
The main presenter for this session spoke so rapidly that taking notes was rather impossible. However, I listened to her and meandered with my thoughts.

As society has developed, and brute force no longer necessary for survival, male sexual characteristics associated with force are no longer essential characteristics for sexual attraction … naturally selected out? Associated with Will & Grace phenomenon, more touchy feely –ness more attractive to women today?

"Many women no longer tolerate unhealthy relationships"
However, many still deal with issues of low self-esteem, and will continue to pair
with undesirable men and perpetuate unhealthy relationships
"Women able to survive without men"
Especially in first world nations, where education is generally available to those who seek it. I also think that women in countries where oppression of women is starting to lift are choosing not to marry or have children in an effort to keep lately obtained independence ... Japan and China? However, in countries where wome nare still thought of as property, rape is generally unpunishable ... African nations, extremist Muslim society ... women in these countries probably would welcome stable patriarchal societies that guarantee them certain protections?

~~~

Goodbye, I Love You: Twenty Years Later
Carol Lynn Pearson

20 years ago, very frightening time, especially personally. Deseret Book called for preview copy. Two weeks later, they ordered 1000 copies, and asked for an autograph session at GC. Overwhelmingly positive response was unexpected. Largest response from LDS general with no ostensible gay connection ... thanks for helping to understand what was not understandable previously.
Large portion of time to continue helping be a bridge
Daughter Emily here
Jiffy (BYU prof) who put career on line, calling to do what he did?
Despite progress, there is just too much pain with regard to the gays in the church. Most dramatically, the suicides. One Rabbi friends stated: "The task for every religion is to remind us of who we’re obligated to love, not the ones we’re privileged to hate."
Utah has highest suicide rate between 15-24 for young men … 1/3 related to gayness
Stewart Madison?
MO marriages. Example: daughter Emily. Even when contracted under the best of intentions, can have devastating ends. Discourage unrealistic expectations
Parenting own children, and those who have no one else and come to them
“Ongoing birth of higher consciousness”

I attended this session because I wanted more insight into CLP. She has been one of my heroes, for her journalling book, her pared down but indepth poetry, and her pre-marriage adventures. However, I also found many thoughts and beliefs that I could relate to on so many levels in her Goodbye book. I got one of my books signed. What a gracious lady.

~~~

Will, Grace, And Angels in Borkeback America: Staight Women, Gay Men, and Mormonism

This was my third favorite session. Mostly because it's one of my big fears that I will finally marry a man that can communicate effectively with me, and find out that he is gay and unable to stay in a monogamous heterosexual marriage. However, I was also very touched at the experiences of Holly Welker, Emily Pearson, Annette Daley, and Doe Daughtrey. With the exception of Welker, each of the panelists married men who struggled with SSA (not sure if all were cognizant of the fact before the temple sealing, but at least Pearson was), and all were subsequently told that marriage, therapy and obedience were the keys to changing their husbands' sexual inclinations, and all three have since been divorced.

I think that this is one of those areas in which generally well-meaning bishops have done a lot of damage. I am glad that the tide has changed, and that bishops are trending away from counselling those who struggle with SSA to just stiffen their upper lip and get married.

Later listened to Dan Witherspoon's interview with Emily Pearson on the Sunstone podcast. Admirable.

I find in myself a strange dichotomy in regards to romantic relationships. I find that I want someone stronger and smarter and bigger than myself. However, I also find the most emotional intimacy with those who are at my level, and are women, or "woman-ish" men. And I can't imagine being married to someone with whom I did not have more emotional intimacy than with anyone else. But my physical attractions are so sterotypical ... tall, dark hair, 5 o'clock shadow, really great delts. How to resolve the divide? Is it too much to ask for everything in one person? Or would I need to compromise ... marry someone who I am sort of physically attracted to, but very emotionally attracted to; or marry someone who I find very physically attractive, and find emotional fulfillment elsewhere? Infidelity is not an option, as the idea of extra-marital sexual involvement makes me physically ill. At this point, it's all academic, since I'm not involved with anyone. However, they are issues which concern me deeply, as I more frequently ponder the questions of love and marriage.

I am very interested to see how Ben Christiansen works it all out. However, I am also interested in his wife. How did she feel when she found out that he had SSA? How does she continue in a marriage when she knows he does not desire her physically, and yet finds others (who are what she can never be) physically desirable? I worry that she has decided to settle for what she can get, and that he will decide someday that he can't settle anymore. I worry about women who may fall for gay men because the women have low self-esteem, and think that they will never find a heterosexual righteous man to take them to the temple. I worry about a culture that promotes marriage as a universal bandage, instead of understanding that individual circumstances require individualized solutions.

~~~

Hitchcock's Mormon Plot
R. John Williams

I wasn't sure what to expect with this session. Certainly, I like John, and love hearing him engage difficult issues at Outhouse discussions. But I wasn't sure I was ready to believe that Hitchcock had a explicitly LDS-related agenda. I was relieved that that wasn't John's premise.

As it turns out, I enjoyed John's presentation immensely. He had done a lot of research, and had had interviews with several close Hitchcock-ites, and done some digging in manuscript archives, etc etc. Interesting arguments, and also the history of introducing religious aspects and poking fun at them. Besides which, John is just really intelligently (and even just regularly) entertaining and sharp.

~~~
Back at the house, we played one last game of Catan, as we munched on some delicious caramel McVitties. I won. Hurrrrrrrraaaaaaaayyyyyyy!

Sunstone Day 2

Are Boys More Important Than Girls? The Conflict Between Gender Difference and Equality in Mormonism

Margaret Toscano
Questions asked by 8 year old boy as father and older brothers went to PH GC session. When his mother patiently said no and explained to him why, he said that he didn't believe her; God and Christ are men, and only men have the PH.
Women being essential ~ doesn't necessarily mean that men and women are equal
Early feminists argued communality with men.
Later feminism – earlier themes only benefited men and man-like women
Postmodern Feminist – don’t want categorization of women
2 Nephi – man/woman, black/white, bond/free
Proc on Family – preside vs subordinate
Equal in worth, but assigned different worth, same capabilities but different responsibilities?
Pres Hinckley – The Women in Our Lives. Duality of male/female is God’s design. Blames divorce mostly on men.
Church is still patriarchal. Concessions given to women dependent on discretionary power of men.
Encouraging to find photos in the Ensign of women actively involved in the gospel, not necessarily as wives or mothers, but as teachers and scriptural students.
RS is “oldest women’s organization,” but still dependent on male authority at all
levels; callings and releases always done by men
3rd World Feminism – response to hegemony of white first-world women, provides model for critique
70% of LDS women surveyed are content with role in church, self-selecting survey?
Most say that they don’t want to have extra responsibility (if women had the HD, the men would get lazy and women would have to shoulder even more responsibility). Is having or desiring more than they have is to be dissatisfied with own gender and sex? Leaving it up to God?
Views on feminism closely tied to individual experience. Should subjective feelings resolve church issues? Questioning is apostate? Conforming is unthinking? Few willing to forfeit church membership to voice concerns.
Ambiguity surrounding desire for priesthood. Power Hungry (article by Lorie Winder Stromberg). Accept and define church responsibility
Present structure reflects will of God? PH generally used to reflect stewardship, not power. Most men do not have leadership roles … can feel emasculated if not
holding leadership callings. Not wanting to be termed ambitious in regards to callings
Limit our agency to express and develop talents and gifts

Mary Ellen Robertson
Impatient advocate of gender equity
A matter of fortune for women to have experience with righteous/equitable men?
How can we learn to share power, when we're taught that the desire for unrighteous dominion is immediate upon receiving power?

~~~

A Testimony of Motherhood: LDS Response to Changing Women's Roles, 1940-2006
Carrie Miles

LDS response to changing women’s roles 1940-2006 (Carrie Miles, PhD)

Churches have boundaries between self and other. When join church, agree to these
boundaries. Examples: temple garments, WoW
Institutional double bind. Change vs. not change? flexibility or rigidity?
Gender norms. Content analysis of Improvement Era and Ensign re: women’s issues
Archives and lds.org
Most conservative religions resisted women moving out of the house.
LDS church more difficult time because of “divine role of women.”
Married w/children markers of a godly life. However, not part of doctrine of other religions
However, LDS teaches God is literally male, and gender is eternal, eternal family roles
Prior to mid 20th century, society and religion had pretty much same ideas on woman roles
More talk on women’s role in 1940’s as women move out of the home during the war effort
McKay: divine role of motherhood only can be given by women. No nurseries, other paid caretakers can take the place
Great return to domesticity post WWII, issues died down
Bragging about women’s accomplishments, but should still seek to marry and have children
Mother vitally involved in production in the home, not just tidying up.
However, with development of automation,
Men leaving household to seek outside employment
Children not needed to do chores, more schooling, more and more expensive before can be a producer within the home.
Birth rate dropped
1930’s – children must go to school, child labor laws
1960’s – 14% women employed in 1940’s. 40% WOMEN employed in 1960’s.
Women’s role in household no longer critical to survival, become expensive luxuries
ie: keeping the hearth fire burning
Church responded by resisting.
1963 ; Kimball exhorts women to stay out of the workforce. Women belong in the home
with traditional woman’s work. (repeat in 1977 as president of church)
Barlow (BYU prof) expressed women working outside the home challenged husband’s power
Packer 1977 – man needs to feel dominant in the home
LDS lit subsequently dropped "dominant" … changed to “preside”
Burke Petersen (1974) earning a few more dollars, etc … satanic greed? Must go to God in prayer to get confirmation. Other church members, family members or even fathers can not substitute as enlarging on 1942 statement
1978 – Patriarchy and Politics: the Plight of the Mormon Women (written by non-member). Term patriarchy becoming pejorative, abandoned by other religions.
Double bind. Harder to do missionary work and keep more liberal members
LDS women participating in workforce at same rate as non-member women?
LDS women who work, families need double income
1970’s – more accommodation, some women must work, they are exceptions, However, common enough that writers and speakers must enumerate conditions that are acceptable

Women’s need to be outside the home more than about financial need. Women urged to put family’s need ahead of own
1977 – Camille Kimball – not all of lifetime can be filled with children. The years after 40 and 50 look bleak. Need some absorbing subject for study and research

Pres Benson 1987 – fireside then made to pamphlet. Quote “Mothers come Home,” no career approaches mundane tasks of housewifery. Very out of step with recent accommodations

Made no difference? RS presidency article about child care options (Jack presidency?)

1996 – Hinckley talked about Benson’s talk. Sustains the position. Nevertheless … some women who have to work to provide for needs of families … do the best you can

2000’s – Hinckley in hospital, nurse with three children
Whole gamut is available to women … young women need to study it out and prepare.

Many had to renegotiate commitments to church in 60’s

Proclamation on Family redefining boundaries, scriptural division of labor (cut and paste). Talk about motherhood in testimony bearing terms, divinity of motherhood, implying women are superior to men. Eve was God’s masterpiece, made last. S. Dew: doctrine of motherhood … divine role is true

Good organizational approach. Won’t change in response to feminists, since they don’t join churches anyway. Emphasizing positives that don’t alienate those who can’t participate? Birth control – opposed by all churches when introduced. LDS church took different tactic by stressing importance of large families

I liked Miles' presentation. Bought her book The Redemption of Love: Rescuing Marriage And Sexuality from the Economics of a Fallen World and have started reading it. A conservative approach, but I find myself agreeing more than disagreeing with her.

~~~

Why We Stay

Cherry Silver
Accepted living peculiarly as a commitment.
1950 return to SLC. Family environment was such that felt open to examine church practice and doctrine. After living in the fringes, was again in the center
Intellectual integrity.
Travelled around the world with husband. Only LDS family in the country (on African continent).
1988 called to open the mission in Cote d’Ivoire. Needed to be bold, courageous, adaptable and shrewd. After 8 months transferred to Zaire for security reasons. Accosted by rebels. Local commander arrived, shared treasure in trunk: pamphlets on JS.
Four Principals
Fulfilling inner spiritual life, recognize divine direction, no violation w/impunity
Church structure within which we can interact with others. Served in 1990’s on RS general board. Stay in church to offer service.
Pragmatism and irony. All institutions have flaws. God’s sense of humor
Life of zest. Communication with community

J. Bonner Ritchie
Friend’s difficulty: mind vs heart, stay or go? Personally choose to believe as we do … “our” truths. Private, conflicted, paradoxical and changing. Idiosincratic stories, but hope for authenticity. In response to Oaks, not an alternative voice, but an honest voice.
Must preserve freedom of the mind, and the room to try and make mistakes
Sunstone article, “Why I like being a Mormon.” How can you remain? “We like being Mormon.” Interview with Donohue? Greely (if all left who dissented, who would pay
the light bills?)
Difficulty w/LDS is not in getting them to conform, but in getting them to think
I love (constructive) conflict … easier to talk about Hezbollah motivations than own
personal story
“By proving contraries, the divine in made manifest” by JS
Bishop Woolly – not going to leave church because of BY’s “dumb” decision.
Organizations not perfect, all immoral. D&C explains that authority easily leads to unrighteous dominion.
(Me: Need more substantial checks and balances within church to counter ecclesiastical abuse. We need a better system to deal with unrighteous leaders ... allowing them to stay in authoritative positions gives their actions implicit legitimacy. I don't think it's enough to offer plattitudes that the atonement will make everything all right. Yes, in the end it does, but how many are lost along the way?)
Mature person – hold two opposing opinions at same time. Keep things in balance. 5-6. 1 is true believer. 10 is enemy. 5 barely in, 6 barely out. Making decisions on the margin feels good.
(Me: reminds me of Juanita Brooke's father amd riding on the edge o the herd)
We can never make organizations safe for people, we can only make people safe for
the organization. Need dynamic tension between liberal and conservative ideologies in leaders. BYU interview … need to define “liberal” before answer question.
Demanding all or nothing is dooming self to life of frustration

Shirley Paxman
Indelible Mormon
“Cherish your doubts, they are the attendants of truth." Must be questionable. Those who silence doubt, live in fear.
Grieve for where RS lesson have gone. RS has lost the magazine, the budget, then the lessons. Lesson which had been taught and written by brilliant women now replaced. Lessons now written by and about men. Read “Lament” by Molly Bennion in Dialogue
Lived all over the world. Worked in nursing.
Are we too defensive and not informed enough about our religion
Lived in Turkey. Know nothing about Islam. Read Koran and “Life of
Mohammed.” Found to be very parallel to life of JS
Religion – wants the good for the lives of subscribers
Stay because it’s my milieu. Defines life, relationships and God. A of F, esp #8
Stay because of humanitarian efforts made by church

Armand Mauss
Peculiar question. With family or nation. Voluntary relationship
Why should we stay? Revealing: how salient and pervasive this question is among a new
generation of church members, Failure of church to provide enough answers, despite seminary, institute and BYU education.
Have never contemplated leaving. Stubbornness?
Like English, distinguish between gospel and church. Would still keep gospel values w/in or w/out church. Choice vs empirical certainty
Still has doubt … inevitable coimpanion of deep thought. No apologies. Contrary to skeptics and atheists … many still adhere to beliefs and assumptions, even if can never be verified. Unfalsifiable beliefs/assumptions.
Wisdom of trying to live by s=gospel principles … setbacks and unhappiness
experienced in times of rebellion? Living indefinitely with ambiguity is a sign of maturity? Atonement works, don’t need to discover why. Repent as go along.
Outlook on church different from religious beliefs. Perspective and understanding of history. Church, although having a divine origin, as essentially human institution is
not immune from human change. Expectations different, occasionally disappointed but never disillusioned. Agency before obedience.
Would like to see church more humane … retention of members. More candor about facts as well as truths. Ignorance makes one vulnerable
Stay to help mitigate systemic problems. Not a reformer. But have talents to contribute. Have some influence with the Bretheren which would not exist without membership

Molly Bennion
Lutheran upbringing. Father reiterated, “To thine own self be true.” Friends leave the church with many of the same complaints. Lonely, miss them. Church is the loneliest place I go to regularly

Me: This was my favorite session the whole conference. Even bought the cd of this session to share with a few people.

~~~
Went to lunch with Jana and the rest of the people who wanted to meet and greet. However, I was pretty unsocial the rest of the symposium.
~~~

For Better, For Worse, For Apostacy? How Faith Issues Affect Couple Relationships.

In this session, three couples shared their experiences with spouses whose beliefs have changed since their temple marriages. Ronda and Michael Callister, Page and Tom Kimball and Ruth Ogden and John Halstead. If the previous session was my favorite, this was my second favorite. I won't go into the details about what they talked about, but I was encouraged by each person's commitment to their spouse and family, and how they have navigated their individual faith journeys, and decided to stay married to each other in the face of such drastic changes in their belief systems. I've heard so much about couples who are unable to reconcile their differences, and end up divorcing, that I'm relieved to find that a strong marriage can weather even such rocky shores as these.

~~~

Took a wrong turn coming out of the parking lot, and ended up passing the British Pantry store. How extremely odd to have a store like this in the heart of SLC. Anyway, I dutifully turned around and bought some chocolates and Mcvitties like any other obssessed chocoholic. Also got some Thai-seasoned chips which were quite delectable.

When I got back to the house, Genie had cooked up a tasty and colorful rice and fish dish. We feasted on her cooking. Then we played a game of Catan. Which was painfully slow since the Utah-ites of the clan hardly ever play when I'm not around. I've counselled them to get groups together to practice so that they'll be more suitable co-gamers for me, but I'm not sure that they took the hint. Genie ended up winning, and I was just glad that the game was over.

Also watched the LDS version of Pride and Prejudice, and chuckled with Boss made his appearance as Collins. Somehow, the ridiculous characters made more of an impression than the so-called protagonists. Collins made me laugh, Caroline Bingley was just about perfect, Lydia was a pretty good modern interpretation, and Wickham was appropriately charming and dastardly. Maybe someday I'll reenact the crossing of the plains as part of a honeymoon. Sadly, I have no hope that I'll ever be able to sleep inside a buffalo.

Sunstone Day 1

Maturing and Enduring: Dialogue and Its Readers After Forty Years, Robert W. Reynolds, Armand L. Mauss and John Dewey Remy.
Religious commitment not based on age
Church attendance not an indicator of belief that BOM as historically authentic. Dialogue base constituency as exploring religious faith and heritage; holding fast while continuing to explore
Sunstoning Dialogue-ers: Sunstoners more apt to believe BOM not literal history. Sunstoners older.
John Remy as belonging to subset that Dialogue “should” be marketing to? Younger, student, etc. Core needs of Gen X different from older generations? Doesn’t read cover to cover. Maybe two articles from each issue. Do more researching and do topic based reading.
Changes that explain differences in survey? Now living in more conservative era. Competition from other sources … FARMS, Journal of Mormon Studies that are so
much safer by comparison. Also blogs - group and personal. Church leadership more hostile, starting in 80’s? People either turned more conservative or left altogether

~~~

Truth Telling and Mormonism
Scot Denhalter
Truth: knowledge of past, present and future (LDS)
Aquinas ~ definition of a lie ~ intent to deceive or mislead
Frankfurt : BS is short of lie. Kidder does not claim to know the truth.
Intention: kidder ~ intent to deceive is absent. May or may not tell/know truth
Elicit external/internal response
McKonckie – used hyperbole and guilt to discourage pondering in certain areas
Kidding versus lying about teachings of earlier prophets about doctrines that are no longer in practie.
Manuals/leadership concerned more with behavior than knowledge, in order to “protect” the members?

Ryan Wimmer
Hinckley as taking advantage of mult-media interviews. In the past, has equivocated on certain doctrinal issues? Couplet on people can become as God is, taught since King Follet discourses.
Taqiyah - religious principle used by Shi'a Muslims; allows members of the faith to be untruthful when their life or religious faith is in danger.
Save self from danger. Diplomacy. Between men and women? Talking about war?
1840’s: used in LDS context with polygamy
Used in LDS (and Christian) apologetics

~~~

Mormon Feminist Bloggers: Can Blogging Help Mormon Feminism?
Margaret Toscano
TracyM FMH – is mainstream feminism serving “real” women?
Years ago, these types of discussions occurred in chat rooms – more democratic, but still rather elitist, where you had to know someone to get involved.
Blogging – only need a computer and internet access. More egalitarian. Still have anonymity. Can choose own level of involvement – lurk or comment

FMH Lisa
Started blogging due to personal crisis of church. Googled mormon feminism … nothing out there. Around time of elections … looking for other liberals … timeandseasons article by Nate Oman, “What I hate about mormon liberals.”
Was able to participate on abortion debate in an LDs forum.
A place where people with similar backgrounds could discuss issues
POV presented that are never discussed at church
Needed a place to put “mind vomit” that no one else would listen to. Started for
personal reasons
Feminist Mormon Housewives has approximately 1600 unique visitors a day, five permabloggers, various guestposters and discusses gender-related topics.
FMH Lisa: Didn’t realize the history of Mormon feminism … how scary it was. Blogging has been essential to knowing how to navigate being LDS and feminism. Torn between using real name and pseudonymn … mother finding out

John Remy
Man, priesthood holder, father with feminist sensibilities. Blogging as more than a diary … it's being an active part of a dynamic community.
Blogging Against Myself
Community for discussion and help
Men need to be converted to feminism to eradicate sexism
(Me: I think that the term feminism is so loaded, especially within the LDs community. In order to truly eradicate sexism, do we need a new, egalitarian term that doesn't carry such negative connotations that alienate those who want to stay safely within conservative boundaries? Unionism?)
Holly – Battle needs to be fought on both sides.
Deborah – LDS male feminist are often conflicted between personal beliefs and
institutional directives.
Blogging as personal mission to obtain honesty in all aspects of life

Jana Remy
Exponent II blog journey.
Caroline Klein became J’s visiting teacher. Bond of feminist ideals. J shared past issues of Ex II. Both wanted to get involved, but difficult as Ex II centered in Boston, while they were in So Ca. Contacted Ex II to do a So Ca issue.
(Me: held Feminist Roundtable Discussion. Other speakers: Lorie Winder Stromberg, Lael Littke, Amelia Parkin. I attended, and it was a pivotal moment in the midst of some very trying religious trials.)
J & C were very frustrated with censorship by editors on issues dealing with women in priesthood, ecclesiastical abuse, etc.
Went to retreat and met members of the board, has a wonderful time. Put together blog, some resistance, some support
Reasons why ExII is needed: Some women feel excluded from other boards, not married, or no children; Can draw on history of original and II exponent, republishing. Can discuss issues that LDS women cannot discuss at church, or don’t have a real
life community.
Why I Blog
No censure from church leadership as yet. Safe space for those to explore
Any change that comes will come from those who are participating in the Bloggernacle
Bored in Vernal reiterated what a relief it was to find the bloggernacle.

A couple sessions went completely by me as I read Carol Lynn Pearson's Goodbye, I Love You. This was one of my favorite books as a young woman. It was the only explicitly LDS female voice (aside from my mother and one YW leader) that seemed to advocate college for the sake of education as opposed to a way to meet and marry eligible men. Bell has exerpted diary entries from just before CLP started college, through her graduate work and first teaching job, and travels around the world (1956-65), and used it as a springboard to talk about how to keep a journal. Imagine my surprise when I found out that my swing/church friend John was her son. I took another look at his face and thought, well of course you're her son ... just look at your dimples! When I told him how much I loved her book, he gave a semi-sigh, and said that yes, she was a wonderful bridge between the church and the gay community. I was non-plussed. And then he told me a little bit about the history behind his parents' marriage, and we had a little discussion on homosexuality and the church.

Anyway, I loved _Goodbye, I Love You._ I love CLP's humor, how she articulates her struggles with issues relating to femininity and finding and keeping a place in the church despite misgivings about the way it talks about women, and how she never demonized her husband, although some of his actions were demon-worthy.

~~~

Went with JLITh and Genie over to The Happy Sumo. Lots of sushi, and some sashimi. However, the wait was way too long. So, we ordered it to go ... and went.

Sunstone: Smith-Petit Lecture

Dinner with Bork, Genie, Big and Little Bean, Genie's dad and two of his grad students at Mazza, which I love. Especially their chicken with eggplant dish! Then, off to Sunstone.

~~~

Hmmm ... the first time that I've ever heard "Saturday's Warrior" as an opening song. Even more startling wasArdean Watts as the chorister. I think he stopped the music about three times, demanding and cajoling the audience to sing with more verve and feeling.
Mark Pinsky ~
Secular media incorporating more religious themes, driven by capitalism
Christian media trying to create effective alternative

Evangelical Protestants:
concerned w/hypersexualized and violent elements in pop culture
don’t want children to participate in it, but also don't want to marginalize
children from good experiences that their peers are having. Also don't want
to make it more appealing (forbidden fruit)
create viable, alternative culture.
Bonus: preserve constituency, and create vehicle to propagate message.
Secular media:
marketability of Christianity
Incorporation brings in lost constituency, also reached secular (mainline
protestants)
Left Behind series … pulp fiction based on Revelations
Publishing is incremental and low risk, can lead to serious discussions with
light-hearted settings
Oliver North (yes, I was momentarily confused on this one): thrillers with
low key Christian themes and characters
Bonneville books
The DaVinci Code
Harlequin Christian romances
Movies:
Signs w/M. Gibson
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Chronicles of Narnia
Dutcher films
Veggie Tales
The Spitfire Grill
Evangelicas don't have enough product to replace mainline media
What to do?
Christian websites that prescreen movies
Edited films – ruled down by courts
Okay to use software to edit, but not for company to edit and sell
Financial battle … ie: films sold to airlines or edited for tv
Financial impediments to making Christian films/tv (not incremental like books
… all costs all up-front)
Luther (w/Raffe Feines?)
Gospel of John
Quality, low budget films, costing $2 million … but need good talent
(writing and acting)
Major Hollywood Studios paying attention?
Highway to heaven, Touched by an angel, 7th heaven
Producers now salting Christian values, etc into mainline, primetime shows
(instead of making whole new series)
Like the Gay character, the Christian character becoming a staple?
Mostly, but not all, Good. Problematic
Big Love: regular vs polygamous characters, interactions
Christian music vs lyrics
Music can also be incremental and inexpensive
Public Christian rock stations – raise money like public radio
Computer Christian video games – no sex and less violence, salvation by works?
‘I don’t participate in “that” kind … I have my own’
Theme parks (in Florida, with creationist, etc themes?) with interactive games
Is this sincere hunger for spirituality? Or dumbing down of religious discourse,
and capitalistic drive?
Spiritainment? (Left Behind people).
Ressurection: Sony and Tim Lehey
Veggie Tales return to big screen, backed by Universal Studios
Sony hired consultants to “sell” DaVinci Code to Evangelicals, who mobilized
to leverage and use film as messenger for Evangelical values
My musings: increased visibility of mormons in reality tv. It started with that girl on The Real World, who ended up getting the boot from BYU because she cohabitated with guys. Ashley del Grasso from Dancing With The Stars. And the slew of LDS dancers on So You Think You Can Dance, two of whom made it to the finals. Incredible mobilization of members to watch and call in votes. Also, Greg Whitely's documentary, New York Doll.

I was really attached to it ... but not so much anymore.

This is a dark tale of loss.

It started with the incredible amount of luggage that Bork and Genie brought back from Korea. They were going to stuff their car with as much of their stuff as they could fit, and JLITH was going to bring back two suitcases, and my father was going to bring back a bit when he travels back to SLC in September, but even that was not enough to suffice. So it is that I was (unknowingly) volunteered to bring a large suitcase (hereafter LS) back with me on this latest trip to SLC.

I was not overly excited, since I’ve been used to take the bus to LAX, and just didn’t want to do it with both a large and small case. However, as I supposed that I would be able to get a family member to drive me to the airport, I acquiesced. Then came the awful argument that ensued when I found out that no such accommodation would be forthcoming. I was quite upset, to say the least.

I ended up making a date with a Primetime shuttle, with my feelings of high dudgeon firmly in place. Thus it was that I was prepared for a 0435 pickup. Didn’t have to do much with the LS, as the tip was mandatory, and I believe in letting people feel the gratification of earning their tips.

However, at the airport, my dudgeon escalated to even higher altitudes, as I discovered that the suitcase was broken … ie: the pulley was absent, and the LS rolled with the greatest reluctance.

I regained my composure after checking the horrid thing, and proceeded to the gate so that I could do the SW line-dance and be one of the first passengers on board.

Had problems with a group of the K-race who decided that previously formed lines have no validity. I might have been in a bad mood if I hadn’t gotten a seat in the first row of the plane.

After arriving in Zion, and having made it to the luggage carousel, I was a little tired and grouchy. The first piece of luggage I recognized was the LS. Dutifully, I grasped the handle and swung it off the metal sheet parade. And as it neared completion of its arc to the ground, it made contact, at just the wrong angle, with my right great toe. After I said a couple unladylike words and stopped wincing from the pain, I took a look. Blast! I had really been rather attached to that toenail, but no longer. It was hanging from just the base, and dripping pretty droplets of crimson blood.

Quandry … do I put the LS back on the carousel so that I can limp over to the restroom to get a towel to sop up the stream of pretty blood, or do I drag it along? At the risk of repeating the awful event and losing my other great toenail (and really, all my toes were great, still having the benefit of a lovely pedicure), I decided to lug the detritus along with me. I might have uttered a few more unladylike words.

Anyway, retelling is starting to get on my nerves, so I’ll wrap it up. Wrapped my toe. Picked up my small case. Called the insurance company to find a compatible hospital. Called Genie to get directions to said hospital. Got rental car. Drove self there. Got ED MD to look at it. Got shot up with tetanus vaccine and (buffered) lido, and had said right great toe nail removed, trimmed, then shoved back and steristripped into place. Drove to the house, and answered my nephews’ questions about my owie, and bemoaned the non-dancing-ness of the rest of my trip.

Yeah. I was attached to it … but not so much anymore.

Just call me onion woman

Was almost late for work today. Got very preoccupied with peeling layers of dead skin off of my legs in the shower this morning. I am the incredible peeling woman. Just call me Onion Woman. Add to that the fact that I've been oddly emotional, and even occassionally teary lately, and the picture is complete. If I had to choose a costume, I would dress myself in a diaphanous gown of layered white chiffon, and twirl my hair up into a green stem. And I would smell like the carmelized onions that I put into the delectable onion soup I made for my father's birthdfay dinner a couple of years back.

Pride goeth before the fall

My legs look so nice and tan (and really long in my new slingback heels)!

Little A all growed up

Today was the bi-annual nurse resident graduation at my work. Normally I don't attend. However, since A was graduating, and since I didn't know if her husband or any of her family were able to come, I gussied up a little and drove to work on a non-work day.

Ceremony was actually very nice. They showed the "Arms Wide Open" video. Confess that I got a little teary. Kids from CDC came in and sang. B. Harrison spoke. Confess that the kids in my ward's primary are much better. And the graduating residents were presented with pins, certificates, and the little replica of the first Children's Hospital in Los Angeles that we all got for the anniversary a couple years back.

Didn't stay for the reception. Took a minute to tell A how proud I was of her and give her a hug and congratulations. There was a young guy and a gentleman in a wheel chair with her, who I assumed to be her husband and an elderly relative. Franny told me later that A's husband and family were unable to make it, and that the guy was an old high school friend who lived in the area. Made me doubly glad that I was able to be there and support A. I think she is going to be a fabulous PICU nurse ... she has that intelligence that is able to troubleshoot complexly sick children, and she has a tender heart that reaches out to those in need.

Blairing values

Up early. Showered and actually blew dry and styled my hair. It's not every day that one gets to hear a first world leader speak in person. Drove down to the Westin in downtown. I hate driving downtown. However, I found the entrance to the parking lot after only a few wrong turns, and since I was so early, found a good parking spot.

In the Westin, things were already a-buzz. Got my name tag and did a little sudoku while waiting for instructions. Assigned to help with tickets. This is good because I like seeing people as they come in, and it means not standing in punishing heels for the hours at a time.

After we'd done out duty, we were ushered in to the main ballroom, and ate a hasty lunch. And then he started.

Must say that Tony Blair is a fabulous orator. After so many years with President Bush, I'd almost forgotten what good oration sounded like. Blair was charming, witty and sincere. Few facts: he was born the same year that the World Affairs Council was organized (1953). He is the first British PM to have a working wife. He is the first working British PM to have children born to him while in office. These are the notes I took, but the full speech can be viewed at the Los Angeles World Affairs Council homepage.

Need alliance of moderation, across politics, religion and wealth
Need dramatic change in strategy.
Reactionary vs moderate islam
Struggle over how the world should govern itself.
We (western world) were blind to long-reaching effects of extremism because we weren't initially directly affected.
Taliban ~ fault of the government
Part of growing muslim movement to not be taken over by the west.
Taliban like early revolutionary communism ~ unsuccessful at Muslim vs. Muslim
Had to create new battle: Muslim vs West ~ 9/11
Values: challenged Iran, Afghanistan, Iraq
Alliances formed under threat of changing values
Sharon's bravery at meeting opportunity
Anti-pacifism
Defense of Israel
Condemn Hezbollah, Iran and Syria
Democracy as the universal spirit. Given the change, people will ambrace it
Empower moderates to defeat extremists
Need two state solution (for Israel~Palestine)
Remove islamic outrage
Iraq needs non-sectarian, democratic state
Syrai and Iran need to make choice to "play by the rules"
Pro-controlled immigration
Global terrorism
Advice ~ Keep US in the lead. Unilateralism can't always be avoided, but not preferred
Need China and India to progress
Promote clean technology
Promote and reinforce values in Africa
Spheres of influence base on justice instead of power, humanity's progress over ages
No stable relationships between nations unless both progressing toward democracy
Evidence for global warming is clear.

Anyway, it was a fascinating afternoon. Will post the group picture as soon as I get my copy.

CNN article on the event
Ronan Head's article on growing anti-Americanism in Middle England.