Enduring ... in the middle

So, in the spirit of trying to be more active in church, I attended my ward Christmas party. I even signed up to bring a dessert. Ballerina and the Dot were in charge, and for having two weeks to prepare, they did a fantastic job. However, sitting in the cultural hall, listening to mediocre karaoke and sitting with people that I am friendly (but not friends) with, I realized how unattached and lonely I feel when I attend church. Admittedly, the larger share of the blame rests on my own shoulders; I'm not a visiting teacher, I don't currently have a calling, and have been rather unenthusiastic about the ward. It's a circular argument ... do I feel alienated because I'm uninvolved, or vice versa? Is the feeling of not-belonging just in my head, or is it the reality of those who don't fit into prescribed roles, or a little of both? There are people who I like, in a rather distant way, but no one who I really connect with at church, although we may be very connected outside of church. All I know is that I feel much more alone and insignificant when I attend church then when I am actually alone.

After the entertainment ended, I was out the door. Headed over to the video rental store to get something to occupy my mind. Was in the checkout line when FGITW called to see if I wanted to catch a late night showing of Syriana. What a pick-me-up. Such a little thing ... a casual invitation to a movie, but it was a timely reminder that friendship surrounds me.

Got home and found a message ... BFF was on this side of town, and was wondering if I'd found the chili he left for me. (This was a relief ... when leaving for the ward party, I'd found a styrofoam container with red stuff inside, in my LOCKED car. Absolutely no idea who had put it there, and was a little freaked out. My first inclination was to toss it, but I confusedly stuck it in the fridge before dashing off to the dinner. He must have come by when I was in the shower, and apparently I had left my car door open ... or else he's really good with a Slim Jim.) He came over and chatted until it was time for me to leave for the movie.

It's in these small gestures (time spent together, long talks, Outhouse discussions, dinners, singing hymns) that I feel the good tidings of the gospel. It's why I've decided to try for more full activity in church. It's why I'm trying to endure in the middle, hoping that the end will be worth it.

BTW, the movie was good ... left me with more questions than answers. And I finished off the night with some tasty chicken chili.